


Horseman

by ama



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: Apocalypse
Genre: Canon Jewish Character, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 08:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5410601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ama/pseuds/ama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik is very flattered when Apocalypse offers him the position of #1 Horseman, there's just one little problem...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horseman

**Author's Note:**

> I just had to poke fun at the trailer a tiny bit.

“And so,” Apocalypse said in his deep voice. “That is why I have sought you, Magneto, to serve as one of my Horsemen.”

“As what?” Erik said, broken from the trance of the mutant's plan. It was, to be honest, intoxicating; he had never gone quite as far as _destroy the entire world_ in any of his daydreaming, but _rebuild it from the ground up_ did have its merits. But he had managed to go his entire adult life without sitting on the back of a horse, and that had been intentional. Even in the god-forsaken backwoods of Eastern Europe, he had his standards.

“A Horseman,” Apocalypse repeated. He sounded annoyed. Doubtless, with that voice of his, people tended to listen the first time around.

“You don't mean that literally, do you?”

“Literally? No, of course not! What need do mutants have of horses? It is merely the term given to my followers by the humans. It is in your Bible.”

“I... don't think it is.”

“Of course it is!”

“No... no, it's definitely not. Trust me, I've spent a lot of time reading the Bible. I was stuck in prison for ten years and they didn't approve very many books--and there's a rabbi in the town over who's helping me prepare for my adult bar mitzvah. There's a lot of goats in the Bible, and oxen, but horses…”

“It is in the Book of Revelations,” Apocalypse said magnanimously, obviously attempting to hide his irritation, and Erik felt his heart sink.

“Oh. Well, this is awkward.”

“Your ignorance is forgiven. My followers must often be educated on such matters.”

“No, it's not that--I, uh, just don't think this Horseman gig is for me. Very sorry. I'm flattered, obviously, but I don't think it would work out.”

“WHAT?” the giant mutant bellowed, flattening the grass around them and silencing some overflying birds. Nice trick, Erik thought with a wince. His ears were ringing.

“Yeah, see, I'm Jewish? So the Book of Revelations isn't my Bible, that's New Testament shit. I'm sure it's great stuff, but I'm really not comfortable with taking on this Christian symbolism thing. Would you consider changing the name?” he suggested hopefully. “I know there was a similar kind of angel in the Pesach story; I can ask my rabbi if there’s a name in the tradition. Or actually, maybe it would be best to just steer away from the whole religious theme entirely, it’s a bit exclusionary.”

“For two thousand years--” Apocalypse began, seething, and Erik’s survival instinct kicked in. He held up his hands in a gesture of appeasement and took several steps back.

“Oh yes, definitely, I completely understand. Brand recognition is important. Me, I like capes. Very powerful, send a compelling message. So yes, you go right ahead, good luck finding your Horsemen and all that. Thank you so, so much for the consideration, but now I really have to go. Have a good evening!”

Before the enormous, angry (and getting more enormous/angrier) mutant could respond, Erik lifted himself into the air and began zooming away at as fast a speed as he could manage and still be decent. This was the kind of thing, he decided, that Charles really needed to know about. But there was one thing still bothering him.

“By the way,” he shouted “Literally no one calls God Yawheh! Read a fucking siddur!”

 


End file.
